jesuisunalien

Yeah, we don't speak anymore. Even though I live with him everyday.

Oh wow...Probably about 5 minutes. I can't sit still long enough to do anymore. I come back though, and i sit for about another five minutes. I don't think i've ever watched an entire show without getting up and doing something and then coming back. I get so bored watching my entertainment. Haha

No, not really. Whenever i get angry, i can never express it to people. I blog about it and i write about it, but no one ever knows i'm angry. Sometimes i wish so badly to give my brother what he deserves (time in jail and a hole in his ego), but i can never hurt him. It's the same with my mom. I want to yell and scream at her sometimes, but i can't stand the thought of hurting her. Though my anger goes unnoticed, it helps me to write about it. How pathetic?

that my life is slowly tumbling out of control and i don't know which way is up. I wish i could blame drugs, but the fact that i've never done any just wipes that out. So what can i blame for my sudden drop from the charts? My life sucks. I suck. I'm just another freak in the crowd. I just wish this was all over.

So i met this kid online and he fell in love with me after only two months. I feel really, really bad about it, too. Because i led him on and all that crap. And he's been really down today and i tried to cheer him up...and then he stopped responding and i suppose he's just really sad. I don't know what to do to cheer him up. I didn't really care that much about him when we first met, but now i do and i don't know what i should say to make him feel better...this has just been a crap day.

turns out, i'm really sick because i'm sick. And i have been for three days. I blame my sister. Who gives me six shots of rum in one two-hour period? Not fair...I woke up with a terrible headache Tuesday, and then got sick the whole rest of the week. It's been wonderful! I hope i stop being sick Sunday night. I have to go to school Monday morning...

For everyone to stop fighting, and for Cody to get a grip on life and stop trying to get into prison...I would like everyone to be semi-happy and live long enough to bury me...

I'm serious. I was never good at being a girl, and my dad just said i'd be better off as a boy anyway and my mom would me rather be a boy than what i really am. So why not? It'll put me back, what, 100K?

But i don't think I will. I mean,  i've never been happy with myself, but i don't think changing my gender would fix that. And wieners freak me out, and having one of my own is just repulsive. Aeh, i guess not.

How does it feel to be in the head of the me for once? I mean my real head. This is what i think about all the time...Honestly.

Pretending to be somebody i wasn't. I think about it all the time and i regret it everyday.

Nothing, really. Just amazing how things could work like that. I wish one would happen here. But i learned that it won't until 2017. Sad, really.

and i've realised that no one even misses me. I wonder what's going to happen when i'm really gone. How long will it take for the world to remember the girl no one knew?

but i didn't know until just today that they were actually leaving. A simple, "Be back when we come back," was all i got. Now i wish i'd paid more attention to the signs. Otherwise, none of this would have happened.

Good idea for a story, right? Hah, got you! Not really, this sort of actually happened, but not on the scale you'd be thinking. So today was possibly one of the worst days of my life. My brother gets to go on vacation to MY future home, and he hates the country it's in, and no one even told me until today. And they said, "You couldn've gone if you wanted!" Like it's my fault i'm stuck in Nowhereville. I didn't even know they were leaving until just an hour ago, and now that they're gone, i want to go. It's not fair. I haven't been on vacation since i was thirteen years old, and my brother JUST went to Florida and had so much fun...I feel abandoned. But i really don't give a crap. I mean, yeah, i do...but i don't. I don't care. If you don't want me to go with you, tell me. Don't wait until the day you go and be like, "i thought you knew!" My life sucks.

I know a lot of you have been waiting for me to up date part 2.5 of that thingy i was writing, but my life is SO hectic this week. I'm not even kidding. I got back from a 17 hour Harry Potter thing just now, at four in the morning. I can't beleive i watched Harry Potter for 17 hours. Anyway, i promise everything will be updated ASAP. Also, i'm working on my own personal novel, that i stopped a while ago but just got back into, and it's taking up a lot of my time. I hope to have everything back on track when i've had for than two hours of sleep, when my wisdom tooth isn't killing me, and then my eyes can hold themselves open. Until then, sorry, again, and i promise i'm working on it.

I'll probably be dead, and if not, then in jail or a mental ward, or if not that, then pregnant with baby number eight on the way. That's not ideal, but it's probabal. My IDEAL lifestyle would be me alone working as a film producer in Toronto or Montreal and having no children or boyfriend/husband around at all. Just me, alone. I'd like to be living a comfortable life and know famous people and maybe have written a book by then. But, like i said, dead is more probable.

Almost as if it didn't happen. I went from being happy to being angry and upset and having no home in less than an hour. It started when i got home and my brother was looking at porn on my mom's computer (the one he is strictly phrohibited from ever even looking at!) and i unplugged it for her safety. And then my wrist got sprained by him, and i was punched by him, and my food got ruined (the worst part, i think). Now, no more joking. I told my mom if she didn't let me file charges against him, for physical and mental abuse, and for being un unrule child, then i was leaving. And she said there was nothing she could do. So i packed my bags and i'm just...waiting at the library for an idea to come to my head. I've got no one to go live with. But i'm not going home. I won't be abused and i won't take any of their mental torture anymore.

Until i find a place to stay, this may be my last post for a while...

I was on the verge of getting my parents to co-sign for an apartment for me, too. Now what? I've got no home and no body cares and there isn't much i can do except sit and wait it out. I wonder how long until the cell phone starts ringing and my mom is begging me to come home? I give it another hour.

I didn't think i'd have to say i was homeless so early. That's my dream, to be a hobo, but i wasn't prepared yet!

I feel like i'm in more of a haze than at the Pride Festival last year in the big hall with twenty people smoking something...So, be prepared to hear a lot of crap about Casey and how angry i want to be with him! Well, i don't want to recount my night, but lets just say he really has it out for me. I feel like some stupid loser from a book trying to avoid the love of her best friend...and it's true. I feel bad because i know he's not giving up. And i feel even worse because i may or may not have kissed him back before pulling away and walking out without another word. Stupid me. Ugh. This isn't happening to me! I was perfectly happy being asexual and not giving a crap about all the people who flaunt themselves around me...but now that someone actually cares and isn't just out for my money or whatever else i've got, i feel...strange. Casey is just so perfect and it's too perfect to be true. I even dreamed about him last night! I'm beginning to think he's stalking me or something. Good news, we're going to the Blink Concert together (as friends!) and i hope he can see that i'm totally wrong for him. But...I dunno. Maybe i don't want to be wrong for him. But...this is just so hard. I wish my parents would take away my car and my money and everything so i'd have that excuse not to go see him, because unfortunately, i think i'm falling for him. Why does this happen to me, after i've been doing so well! Why not in college when it doesn't really matter, or in five years when i'm ready for this sort of comitment! Casey is my best friend. I know what's going to happen as soon as we date...One of two roads. We get married and he ends up pregnant (i'm not getting pregnant!) or i break his heart more than i already have. Either way, we lose our friendship. High school is just a bunch of crap.

Really, what do i have to be angry about? Nothing. I don't know why all the sudden i feel like i hate my life and everyone in it. Oh, wait, i do know why. Casey-stupid-Nix. His confessions of love are killing me, and i feel so bad for turning him down...but i'm just...Ugh. It's too hard to explain, so i figured i'd tell someone on Lifejournal who has no idea who Casey Nix is. Well first of all, let me tell you, i'm completely and utterly in love with this boy, and that's the problem. I don't even believe in love! I feel so strongly for him, more than i've ever felt for anyone else in the whole universe, and i won't let him do anything about it. We've been so close, too. Being alone in his car was a terrible idea, because confessions come out and all the sudden Stupid Casey knows how i feel and he doesn't understand. And neither do i. It doesn't make much sense, does it? We like each other so go out, why not? Well i'll tell you why not! Or maybe i won't. Becuse i don't know. I mean, this kid has proposed to me, even! And he was serious. I hate breaking his heart, because we both know i'd marry him in a second, but...I just can't do it. I can't date my best friend in the world. Something would happen, because i always break up with the guys i care about...and then our friendship wouldn't be real anymore. You can't be friends with someone you're in love with. And that's my delima. Casey-Stupid-Nix or being alone and keeping my friendship.

Don't get me wrong, he's great. He's not a game-obsessed boy and we've got everything in common. It's all too perfect. I know how it will end, and probably in two months when i can't take his perfectness anymore. I wish i had a better excuse than that, but i don't. Tonight in the car, he almost cried because i turned him down. I mean, first we're making out and then i tell him i can't do it? How does that work? What is wrong with me? He's the best guy i've ever known, and he loves me...more than anyone else i've ever dated or cared about. He listens and he's always there for me at 3AM when i'm bored and need someone to talk to. So why, why, why am i so stupid? Just date him, right? Be happy for once...And i want to. Like i said, i'm in love with this kid, and i don't even believe in love!
 
I know exactly what will happen. As soon as I agree to go out with him, our lives will change and i'll end up marrying him...and i can't do that! I'm not that person. Marriage isn't for me. I swore to never get married because i see what it does to people. I don't want to be tied down...no matter how perfect the person is. We both said we never planned on getting married, having children, or do any of the normal, mainstream crap. But...i know he doesn't mean it. He only said that stuff because i said it. I feel like if we dated, i'd be dating the person in the mirror, and not Casey Nix.

Maybe, i'd give up my views for him. I mean...I love him. I don't use that word lightly. I HATE that word. I don't ever say it out loud. It's a curse. But...Casey was meant for me, he seems to think, and he hasn't given up yet.  I hate hurting him, but...it'll be worse later if i don't do it now. Why is this so hard? My side doesn't even make sense!
 
We both hate this country, and we both plan on leaving ASAP. We like the same bands, and practically the same foods (except i'm a vegetarian and he's not!). We agree on everything! That's not normal. Things shouldn't be like that. But...anytime i think of my future, i always see Casey in it. I need someone to distract me. I need...someone else. Maybe at our high school reunion, if he still cares for me then i'll give it a shot...but now, we're both still teenagers and i'm not ready to give it all up. I mean, he means the world to me, and i guess i am his world (he said), but that doesn't make it okay to go off and get married and pregnant and become just another TV show.

To anyone who read this, what do you think?

FROM America, for starter. Long story.

And secondly, from myself. I'm to dependent on me and not the person i need to be dependent on. If that makes sense. It probably doesn't. Point is, i hate who i am, so i'm declaring me a separate state.

I just got my new Apple Ibook G4 and it's great! I've got no idea how to use it, but i'm getting there. I'm working on trasnfering all my old work to it, so it could take a while before i post again. Give it time, but Daddy David will be completed later this week and I've got something awesome coming!

is coming soon. I've been erassing everything for the past two days, including all my fanfics and non-fanfics. It's time for me to start over with a clean slate. I'm not keeping anything. If there are any fics you enjoyed of mine that you want for yourself, just let me know and i'll send you an email copy. Let me know by Saturday, or else it's all gone and you'll have to find it in the memories! I'll finish posting all my already-written stuff, but then i'm going to start using my brand new 1500 dollar macbook and hope everything goes well with that! Give the old IBM thinkpad T23 a moment of silence...Okay, a second is good. I hate this laptop, anyway and i've been saving for a macbook for almost my whole life. Well, when it began two years ago.